If there's anything I hate more about the generation in which we are living in, it's the whole concept of Tinder, a dating app which allows you to "Swipe Left" on people you dislike, and "Swipe Right" on people you find attractive. In the years I've had Tinder, I've slept with three matches, two of which the sex was mediocre at best - the third one basically didn't know what the hell she wanted and sent mixed signals which annoyed the hell out of me and out of the whole fiasco that has been Tinder I've only met one person off it it who I found interesting enough to continue to talk to and form a friendship with. The rest of it has been brutal. I dislike Tinder immensely because it has turned the dating scene into a very ugly thing that is now reality:
1) You are one in a number. EVERYONE is expendable, EVERYONE is replaceable, and there's nothing you can do to make yourself important enough to another human being to not be replaced, or abandoned for whatever the next "upgrade" to you is.
2) Women have unlimited options while men have next to none. If you're a man you're going to have to potentially lower your standards to a level that would make you want to kill yourself.
3) Actual romance is truly dead; there's nothing more UNROMANTIC than meeting a stranger on a cellular device. Tinder and the reliance on Tinder is conceding to the fact NOTHING happens organically anymore, especially if you live in rural areas.
To be entirely honest, Tinder is such a hideous concept I've given up on it, which is sad in and of itself as you're flirting with the possibility of being alone in a world where everyone is too connected to KIK, Snapchat, Facebook, etc. to actually work on being better human beings out in the real world in order to meet someone in real life. That's not to say you CAN'T meet people of substance online but the likelihood of doing so is akin to being struck by lightning or winning the lottery. But what I have done is decided to start treating Tinder like what it really is if you are a male:
A free trip to the zoo - a proverbial trading card game of hideous, ugly, undateable creatures. You see - attractive women don't stay single long. They have guys constantly messaging them, wanting to hang out, showering them with attention; if you're dating an attractive woman, your replacement is simply and likely waiting in the wings. Sorry, men, but that's life. It's an imbalanced ratio that just IS, barring some natural disaster that kills all the sad pathetic Dickmen that are boosting and inflating the egos of the women you like with "likes" and "favorites" on social media (for the record I only LIKE photos if it's a REALLY good photo, or I REALLY like the person I do it to - try it sometime guys, instead of mindlessly boosting EVERY woman you come across). Unfortunately the women you come across on Tinder are usually terribly, terribly broken misfit toys, and so 90% of the time you're likely to get something pretty rotten if you blindly swipe right without paying attention (which many people do).
The best way to describe what you see on Tinder is that it's akin to the old Garbage Pail Kids stickers of the 1980s, if you remember those. It's like playing a Trading Card Game filled with awful choices and bad decisions. If anything, the one saving grace of Tinder is knowing my standards are still WAY too high to date the awful people on here.
For a long time now I've privately sent my Tinder Terrors to my friends, out of concern that it might be construed as "too mean" to diss the Tinder Terrors in public. The few times I've posted them publicly I've had sensitive types whine to me about how I'm being mean. But you know what? I'm sick of holding back. I'm a savage. It's what I am, and who are any of you to deny me my right to be a savage?
So without further ado, here is SERIES 1 OF THE TINDER TERRORS. Be sure to collect them all as there will be more. And those women who think it's unfair, I promise you - don't worry, I've got some female friends that have shown me their male Tinder Terrors and there will be those in time. Until then, feel free to be mad.
01. The "Good Time" Girl
Nothing is worse on Tinder than Single Moms. Not because being a single mom is entirely a bad thing, but because Single Moms often like to declare how many kids they have and bombard their dating profiles with photos of said kids. Above you see this woman with three kids who look like they feed on nothing but sugar and human souls and she tops it off with "a good time." Yeah, being dragged around by your rotten kids because you let some other dude bust a nut inside of you three times before he decided to run or get himself killed or whatever sounds like a REALLY GOOD TIME. No thanks, lady. P.S. you're over 25 so you should probably get those tubes tied.
02. The Fat Chick WIth the Crazy Eyes
Sometimes it's not about your size, it's about your facial expression and so when you have the look of a crazed behemoth who hasn't fed today and is likely to eat a small horse raw because you're starving, it definitely strikes fear into the hearts of most men.
03. Somebody's Grandmother???
At 35 and single you should probably at least try to do something with yourself other than looking like an aged aunt. The jewelry, that hair style, that outfit, the double chin and a face that says "NAAAAAAAAGGGGG!!!!" is going to make anyone who respects their own dick take a run for it. And the "handsome man" probably threw you in the friend zone because you look like you play Bingo with old ladies on Sunday nights.
04. The Gift of Diabetes
A lot of women love to be spoiled, and when this girl surrounds herself with Valentine's paraphernalia and wears lingerie in the bed, it's her way of saying "I'm really high maintenance" despite the fact that she's high in unhealthiness and this is exacerbated by the fact she spends all day every day around pizza. She is a prime example of what happens when you overindulge in pizza. Also I'm sure her chest tattoo is some kind of warning label the surgeon general demanded her to get about being on top and causing a hernia. I think I'll pass, and you should, too.
06. I Fucking Hate You, Justin.
Nothing worse than chicks with Justin Bieber haircuts. There are actually way too many of those on Tinder.
07. The Hair Club for Men Isn't Just For Men Anymore!!!
Holy fucking receding hairline. I'm sorry but it's going to be a no on a woman if she has the haircut of Dr. Wily from the Mega Man Games.
Besides, even if you wanted to have sex with her (I don't know why you would), you'd have to fight the eight robot masters, and go through four stages of Skull Castle. Not worth it.
08. Why Do So Many Black Chicks Have Those Ugly Outfits?
I mean being fat and ugly is bad enough but way too many black chicks on Tinder over the age of 30 dress like the Macho Man Randy Savage.
While I was a big fan of the Madness growing up I don't want to have sexual intercourse with it. And speaking of wrestling...
09. The Natural Disasters: The Next Generation
THE FOLLOWING CONTEST IS A TAG TEAM MATCH SCHEDULED FOR ONE FALL. ACCOMPANIED TO THE RING BY THEIR MANAGER THE MOUTH OF THE SOUTH, JIMMY HART, AT A COMBINED WEIGHT OF 862 LBS., THE WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS, EARTHQUAKE, TYPHOON, THE NATURAL DISASTERS!!!!
10. You Know Your Momma a Hoe When...
Jesus fucking Christ lady, your pussy hasn't even gone down to a normal level yet, and your baby isn't even off oxygen yet and you're already on Tinder hoeing? Not only is this really fucking brutal, if you're a guy and you swiped right, you're just a nasty motherfucker. Holy shit. This takes looking for a stepdad to a whole new level.
11. Leslie Jones Is A (Horrible) Actress, not a Fashion Choice.
Why does her head look like an active volcano that threw up a terrible hairstyle? Why do her teeth look like they open cans? Why does her blouse look like it has the pattern of really ugly curtains? Are those curtains? Also why she sweaty as fuck? Did someone tell her it was time for dinner?
12. The Ableist
Damn girl, this poor son of a bitch can't feel his legs or his dick and you put him at Friend Zone Level 110. Rude!!!
13. Everyone Needs Love (Even Corky From Life Goes On)
If that face wasn't created by down syndrome, I don't know what is.
14. Carpet City: Population: YOU
If you're hard up enough to fuck a lesbian woman who looks like Jeff Foxworthy while her other, moderately passable partner doesn't take your dick at all, this is for you. I wonder if she does the "you might be a redneck" routine while you fuck her doggy style.
15. Is That Melon Fresh?
Not trying to be a dick but... oh wait, I'm definitely being a dick when I say her head is shaped like when someone drops fruit at Wal-Mart and it doesn't break but squishes and warps slightly and they put it back on the shelf. Do you receive this woman at a discounted rate since the produce isn't fresh???
16. Who Said Black Was a Slimming Color?
They lied. At least she didn't have the sense to wear Purple. Fat people who wear purple look like Grimace.
17. Orange is the New Black (In Other Words You're Still Fat)
I feel like one combined the squished fruit head of two posts ago with the attempt to not look like a lard the previous girl tried, only in prison orange.
18. The Zordon: A Picture Tactic
Never trust the Zordon for even if she has pretty eyes and a cute smile you can rest assured she is the fattest of them all. Seriously, if a girl takes really extreme up close shots of her face, it means her body is wretched and she cannot be trusted. In the words of Alpha-5 "Ai Yai Yai Yai Yai!!!"
19. Gums For Days
Instead of ASS FOR DAYS we get GUMS. For days. You know the movie Alien where the Alien gets up in Ridley's face and opens it's mouth and inside its mouth is another little alien with another mouth filled with teeth? That's what this reminds me of. I do hope she DOES in fact have ASS for days as with gums like that you'd never want to look at her and fucking her doggy style might be your best option.
20. Pardon Me, Ma'am, I Think You've Had Enough...
You know what's worse than being morbidly obese on Tinder? Being morbidly obese and taking pictures of you EATING. It means you're probably going to get MORE obese. I don't know in what world this woman thought this was sexy. Maybe the world Mojo from X-Men comes from.
The resemblance is... uncanny.
21. Where Is Your Neck?
Why does she have so much neckfat? Is it protection from the ghost of Chris Benoit strangling her to death???
Slobs. This looks like it passes nasty gas, has a smelly pussy and enjoys the comedic stylings of Amy Schumer. Absolutely not.
23. This Handsome Fellow
I'm not sure if this is a man, a woman, or one of those 96 made up genders the SJWs came up with. Dude, no homo, you make a handsome dude and could probably pull more chicks than me. ... I think you're a dude? What the hell?!? I give up. NEXT!!!
24. A Bad Personality Can Ruin It.
Even if you're not ugly, if your profile preaches on about feminist and feminism and "male gaze" and all that bullshit you're probably going to give me the worst conversations, be offended by everything and make me take a gun to my head. You probably like guys who don't eat meat and pee sitting down.
Not. Even. Once.
26. It's a One Two Combo of NOPE!!!
This girl isn't just pulling the Zordon but you can visibly tell that she eats ANYTHING that stands in her way by the look of rabid hunger in her mouth and eyes. This includes, wood, metal, meat, small animals, pets including dogs, and YOU. Avoid!!!
27. That Thing I Heard About White Chicks!
Maaaaaaaaannnnn.... I heard white chicks don't age well but this is fucking ridiculous!!! PUT SOME OIL OF OLAY ON THAT SHIT!!!
I don't understand when or why women started calling themselves fictional things like mermaids and unicorns, nor do I understand what it means so it all sounds fucking stupid to be. But looking at this obese hunchback, two things are apparent: 1) She eats too much and her dog isn't getting enough food as a result. and 2) she meant to say Uni-CRON as in Unicron, the giant planet that eats other planets from Transformers.
At least she has the power to turn Megatron into Galvatron. But is that really even a good thing?
29. I GOT KIDS AH NEED THIS JOB!!!
I watch Heath Slater on WWE Smackdown. I have no intention of dating it.
30. If You Ever Wondered What Hank Hill Would Look Like As a Woman...
...now you know, and the world is a much darker place knowing this.
31. THE COSPLAY NEVER STOPS!!!
At 33 this woman looks like she's 43. She also looks like Michael Rooker better known as Merle on the hit TV series, The Walking Dead.
To be honest I'm perfectly straight and I'd still rather fuck Merle.
32. THE COSPLAY NEVER STOPS: SEINFELD EDITION
Hello... Newman. (disgust)
Newman, please get your daughter the fuck off Tinder. Thanks.
33. In Case You Thought Bumble Was Better...
Bumble is a knock off app to Tinder where the woman has to message the man first within 24 hours or the match disappears forever. I'd rather most of the women of Bumble disappear forever because most of them look like this - a sad yellow toothed half retarded 40 year old who looks like she shit the ugly stick out of her ass, then someone proceeded to beat her with it, make her suck it like a dick then threw her into a stack of ugly sticks and forgot to set it on fire. Yuck.
34. I KNOW WHO SHE VOTED FOR JUST BY LOOKING AT HER!!!
Yeah. No. I bet when you pull her pants down her pussy hair is shaved into the Tumblr logo.
35. When One Pic of You Being a Blob Isn't Enough.
This is like the Brady Bunch intro only with obesity. They should use this to encourage other people to diet.
36. More Misshapen Heads
This woman's head is shaped like a pineapple and if she ate pineapple and other fruits more and cut down on entire chickens and turkeys maybe she wouldn't look like a sad lard.
37. I thought Joan Rivers Died.
When she says she is looking for a man that knows how to treat a lady she means she's looking for more men to pay for her to have more plastic surgery to make her look more like a corpse that has just been embalmed. I bet it's going to take like 500 years for her body to biodegrade.
38. Make Sure You Have Enough Super Missiles...
Here we see Kraid from Metroid.
Kraid has three kids so you have to bring enough Super Missiles for them, too.
39. When the Bling Makes You Want to Vomit, Too.
What's worse than an obese chick? An obese chick who wears jewelry that says BOSS all over it. Listen lady, you're not the boss of me - you're not even the boss of your own life enough to have the willpower to not weigh 3 in change. Fuck outta here.
40. Pansexual Darling??? lolwut???
Here we go again with awkward creepy feminists using words like "pansexual" while looking like a boar's asshole in the face. Clearly she doesn't love to be outside enough to not look like shit.
41. If you Like Chicks With Dicks
...Tinder is a great place if you're a guy that likes trannies. It's crawling with transsexuals so if you have such a big Mortal Kombat fetish that you want to have sex with Liu Kang you're in luck. Me? I'll just swipe left.
42. R.I.P. MY DICK. FOREVER. IT JUST DIED.
Here you see a girl who has gone full Tumblr, is bald-headed talking about hating the Patriarchy and feminism, and probably wondering why nobody wants to date her. NO SELF RESPECTING MAN CARES ABOUT THAT SHIT. On top of that she looks like fuckin' James McAvoy in Split:
Maybe she's one of the personalities in his head. That would actually explain a lot. Also she's from Berkeley so you can be sure she was part of that riot a few weeks back.
43. The Sad Clown
Even if you're fat, you can at least make sure you don't have sad clown hair. That's like... the least you could do.
44. The Bricklayer
This woman has a face that says she works a 9-5 job laying bricks. All day ever day. She looks like a caveperson. She looks like Barney Rubble. She's shaped like him too. Her face is just unfortunate. She looks like a boss battle in Warcraft. I bet she drops mad loot.
45. SPEAKING OF LOOT
Trayvon dropped loot when he died. She ninja'd it from Zimmerman. At least she has plenty of paper towels. She looks like she shits. A lot.
46. NOT LOOKING FOR A HOOKUP.
Looking like that, we can assure you, nobody looking at you is, either.
47. The Number 23.
23? Liars go to hell when they die. Listen lady, the reason the mothers love you in the morning is you look like them. You're at least 52. GTFO out with that lying shit. You look like you're going to tuck me in at night and tell me be in bed before 10 and no snacks after 9 lookin' ass. Get the fuck outta my life!!!
48. Told You About Trannies...
I like how this one didn't even bother to tell you he's a she but honestly if you're that blind you didn't notice you deserve to be dicked.
49. The Shogun.
Sho'nuff: Am I the meanest?
Sho'nuff 's Goons: Sho'nuff!
Sho'nuff: Am I the prettiest?
Sho'nuff 's Goons: Sho'nuff!
Sho'nuff: Am I the baddest mofo low down around this town?
Sho'nuff 's Goons: Sho'nuff!
Sho'nuff: Well who am I?
Sho'nuff 's Goons: Sho'nuff!
Sho'nuff: Who am I?
Sho'nuff 's Goons: Sho'nuff!
Sho'nuff: I can't hear you...
Sho'nuff 's Goons: Sho'nuff!
Swipe left if your name is Bruce Leeroy.
50. Tinder Drinking Game
Take a shot every time you run into a self-professed Tumblr feminist. Take an additional shot each for the words "atheist" and "progressive" (or any other Tumblrisms that appear). You'll be drunk or dead by morning.
51. Don't Swipe, DEAD INSIDE
This one likes her men DEAD INSIDE. I'm obviously DEAD INSIDE now after seeing your profile and realizing there "are no normal women left." Where's my gun?
52. Saved The Best (Worst) For Last
What we have here is a transsexual midget who wants to have down-low sex with straights because your secret is safe with it. This is the type of profile when you see it, it makes you just quit Tinder entirely. It makes you uninstall Tinder, uninstall Android, uninstall your phone, uninstall life, just delete yourself. Delete yourself and stop existing if you're so single you have to see profiles like this. I hate my fucking life right now, so much.
...and I hate it so much I'll be back again with even more Tinder terrors. Believe me, this is just the start of a journey through the ugliest things ever encountered. Why? Because I hate all of you as much as I hate myself. And I should not suffer alone in swiping silence.